Something In The Way She Moves

Sometimes i really wish we could read other people's minds. I wouldn't want to read someone's mind though, that's invading privacy, but i wish this guy could just know what i'm thinking so i don't have to say it out loud (not that i do) and so i can just get over him!

Alright. I am over him but it just bugs me so bad sometimes that he doesn't take me seriously and thinks everything i say is a joke. Sigh.. Right now I'm talking to him actually. It makes me wonder though when we do talk about who he's kissed and how his life is going, why did he kiss me? Of all people he kissed me. I think he just wanted action or something because i am just feeling it is. But I mean seriously.. Why? To be perfectly honest with you, i don't have that great of a personality, i'm not done up like other girls and i just.. have a hard time with things sometimes.

See, he'll never read this so i can say all i want lol. And if he ever does, you made you ruin myself thanks so much (not). Or maybe i wasn't ruined. Maybe i was born? Maybe i was fixed? Who would ever know but myself though right. But i can't even tell for myself so it's useless to even think about it. I am still unsure about everything as ever, i still don't like how my legs look (lol), i'm still stubborn and rude at times, but have i changed? I cannot tell if i have and i couldn't tell you either. I feel as if i have, but in what way? I can kiss better (lolol), i laugh more (if that is possible), and i get better grades than i have before. But what about the things that matter most to me? Am I a better sister, daughter, or even friend? I would hate to be any of those things and be a total jerk. I hate jerks, so why be one.

If i am so much better, if i am so much nicer, if i am so much more relaxed, why does it feel like i'm sinking into a hole so far that i won't be able to climb back out? "They just dig dig dig until they can't get out" good song (Treasures by The Rocket Summer) The lyrics are amazing. People keep digging for treasure, but he stops and knows that his treasure is heaven. How did he get to be like that? Such understanding of what he believes and of himself, i am truly jealous. When did he stop sinking into that black and dark hole? How can i do that? When is it gonna 'hit' me?

Sometimes i feel really old and other times i feel really young. When i feel old i tend to be more.. thoughtful about things? And of course when i'm feeling more young, i'm happier. But how can i retain that happiness? I try and try and nothing ever works. it's like i'm pushing my happy bar more forward and i stay at that for a little bit then fall back and it takes more time and effort to get back to where i barely pushed that bar so each time i push it, it gets farther and harder to reach when i fall back.. If that made sense.

My mind wanders a lot that's probably why i can never make sense of what i'm saying and people don't understand me. I change my mood so often that it seems i'm bipolar, but i'm really not. Why do i do this? Hormones possibly? I've never heard about anything like that, but maybe it is. Maybe i'm just insane. Or maybe this is my obstacle and my lesson to be learned? Who is to know? Only God i guess.

While onto that subject, i had a thought as i was going to the bathroom earlier (yes, the bathroom). What would God do if i had sworn and known what i did but for good reason? What if he was a little bit more human, would he let us be more.. flexible with what we do (as mormons)? What if he was here with us, doing what we do. And i mean God, not Jesus. I love Jesus, he died for us, went through what we did and withstood everything and he still made it through. I still love God, but the what-if's come up constantly. What if i had sex? What if i didn't get married? What if i didn't have kids? I mean seriously, i don't want kids. But we're supposed to reproduce it says, but why can't i just adopt? Because i didn't have kids does that mean i'm not going to the highest kingdom? Just imagining what Jesus went though makes me even more grateful for him. He's like my older brother, but i haven't met him yet. Well, i guess i have but i just don't remember, but i wish i did. He's like the all time hero, i wish they would have superheroes be like that in our world's movies and shows. I can't deny that i love the action and fakeness of it all either (of superheroes we make up) but what i love even more is that they are weak too. It makes me really think about myself when someone has a weakness and i hear about it. What would I do if i was a homeless person? What if i was an orphan? What would i do if i was living on the streets or didn't have the church in my life? What would i do? I can't even imagine myself without Jesus as an example in my life or God, but i can't help but have those 'what-ifs' pop up. I guess it's normal for everyone, but it still makes me think.

Also, another thing that's been on my mind lately. I really hate child abuse. Every time i go to work i see at least 50 parents that i serve food to yell at their kids and when i look at their kids faces it's of pure fright. It scares me to think that people are out there hitting their kids. Their kids have nothing to do with what goes on in their life that happens. I wish people would just see that things happen for a reason and it bugs me that they take it out on their kids. Imagining a child being abused by an angry father just pisses me off. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, even mental! It's all there and i can't believe it. You can just tell when someone has been abused whether it's been by their spouse, sibling, friend, parents or anyone and what i can't believe is how STUPID people are. They just continue to do it! It's so unbelievably sad. I can understand anger, but uncontrollable anger like that? That's just so wrong. No one deserves to be hit like that or in any way. Children especially though, they have no idea what they are doing. Parents are there to TEACH, not abuse! If you didn't want kids in the first place don't have them! But instead people still have them out of accident cause they can't control their disgusting selves and have the things and abuse them! It's just so sad and pathetic at the same time. Sigh, i'm not making sense again but this is what this blog is for, my blabbing on about things that will probably never change and my hate and gratitude lol.

Anyway, that's just me and my thoughts for the moment at.. 1am lol. Good night everyone and whoever reads this..

Mia