Wow what a week ha ha. I really don't even know what to say or how to respond to it.
So basically feelings from the past came up and had to be dealt with again on Wednesday. I really don't like dealing with the same thing twice, but it happened and my response? Anger. I know, i shouldn't be getting angry but wouldn't you if the person you fell in love with basically rose you up, tore you down, ignored you, became your friend again, and then all of the sudden started up the old feelings of rising you up again? I would, and did.
I realized as everything was happening, that maybe i wanted it. That sounds bad, but i did in all my selfishness i have in my human body and i enjoyed it for the blindness of the moment that filled me. I guess after not feeling that feeling for so long, i got selfish and took advantage of the moment. Of course i was really mad at myself after and the next day.. but i was also really happy. It like filled me with hope, even though it should be making me even more mad. In all honesty, i probably could marry that person if they weren't doing certain things in their life right now. I am not in love anymore, but i love them. If that makes sense.
But too bad nothing works out for me. They like someone else and to add to the issues, i like someone else. But i can't help but wonder if they did like me still, would they change what they are doing now and have enough control and patience for a real relationship insteaad of this 'benefits' thing? I don't know, i kind of doubt it.. a lot.. ha ha but i guess dreams can always just stay dreams too.
I feel kind of saved though. I've been over this whole 'break-up' thing for almost a year and a half now, but i always had this quiet feeling in the back of my mind making me wonder what would happen if he ever kissed me again or something like that and if i was really and truly over him. Obviously, my question was answered Wednesday/Thursday. I guess i really am okay, i didn't feel the 'sparks' i did from before and i didn't have the great overwhelming feeling of wanting to be with them, only for that moment. The next day i realized the truths about this unhealthy relationship i have with this person.
One; they aren't mature enough to stick to a real relationship, but who said i was? Two; it's probably illegal for me to even talk to him. Three; He wouldn't be willing enough to change for a good relationship. All in all i think he just wants someone there, but not be there with them. If that makes sense. I mean, it's always nice to have someone yeah, but he just happens to take that to the next step. (Don't do that. ha ha )
Well, those are my thoughts summarized. Latah :)
Friday, December 12, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Am I Supposed To Do This?
Lately i've been a jerk i guess. Am i supposed to be like this? I don't get what i'm doing, and maybe it is just me, or maybe it's them. How can anyone ever know?
I hate it when i fight with people or am in an argument with people because i can never stay angry or i can never justify myself or i get in arguments with people who refuse to say sorry first so it's usually me. What if this time i don't want to say sorry first? Will i lose a friend for being stubborn? What is better; having them say sorry and finally change, or saying sorry first and having them never change and go through the same process in probably 5 or 6 days. I can't decide. I really hate it when these things happen, i feel like i'm suffocating.
All week i've felt like i can't breathe and i've gone back under the water when i thought i was above it. Why? I have been happy for the past few months and why all of the sudden i'm like this. I've been on my period before, and it didn't bring me down this bad. What's different this time. Maybe the fact i put myself around people i haven't been comfortable around for over a year, or maybe i have started to realize i probably won't be able to keep the one friend i wanted to keep that i just became friends with a couple weeks ago.
Every day this week i have felt like i've been walking through a fog and like i'm not moving or anything. I would laugh, i would crack jokes, do what i normally do, but i have been spacing out more and thinking to myself more like i did a lot last year. I don't ever want to go back to that stage, but maybe i am.
Blah, this whole fight thing with my friend is really making me mad. I don't know what to do. They haven't and won't change for whatever reason and continue to act like a 2 year old, while i am always being the bigger person and apologizing first. But what if i can't do that again this time? Am i going to lose a friend just because of their stubborness? What am i supposed to do? They say i need to change and that is it my fault. Why can't it ever be their fault? Why can't i for once be the one who gets the easier load because it's what i deserve? I realize i get really moody during these times of month, but i mean really. If you've known someone for like 2 years or more, shouldn't you be used to this? And why suddenly the past few months this sudden need for attention shows and the over-reacting about everything i say or do. I mean really, i can't even step back like 5 inches without being accused of moving away because i don't like them. What am i supposed to do? Am i being rude with not wanting to say sorry this time cause i feel like it's not my fault? Am i being a biotch because i'm tired of playing this game and i'm tired of this 'drama'? If the same pattern or them over-reacting to something small and dumb you do or say, and then they try acting like it didn't happen or don't say sorry and think it's all your fault, would you do keep going with the pattern? Or would you change it.
I realize there is the option of not being there friend, but have you ever been someone's friend that you want them in your life, but they just seem to really bug you? Is that weird? I kind of feel it is.
I don't know. I feel like i'm staring at an open space trying to reach for something that isn't there and that i'm drowning. I hate this feeling, and you know what. i'm going to crush it, but i'm not going to say sorry. I don't think that i need to deal with this. Maybe that is mean, but i think the other side of this is even meaner. But that's just me i guess i don't know what else to say to it.
Ye-up.. i'm done.
I hate it when i fight with people or am in an argument with people because i can never stay angry or i can never justify myself or i get in arguments with people who refuse to say sorry first so it's usually me. What if this time i don't want to say sorry first? Will i lose a friend for being stubborn? What is better; having them say sorry and finally change, or saying sorry first and having them never change and go through the same process in probably 5 or 6 days. I can't decide. I really hate it when these things happen, i feel like i'm suffocating.
All week i've felt like i can't breathe and i've gone back under the water when i thought i was above it. Why? I have been happy for the past few months and why all of the sudden i'm like this. I've been on my period before, and it didn't bring me down this bad. What's different this time. Maybe the fact i put myself around people i haven't been comfortable around for over a year, or maybe i have started to realize i probably won't be able to keep the one friend i wanted to keep that i just became friends with a couple weeks ago.
Every day this week i have felt like i've been walking through a fog and like i'm not moving or anything. I would laugh, i would crack jokes, do what i normally do, but i have been spacing out more and thinking to myself more like i did a lot last year. I don't ever want to go back to that stage, but maybe i am.
Blah, this whole fight thing with my friend is really making me mad. I don't know what to do. They haven't and won't change for whatever reason and continue to act like a 2 year old, while i am always being the bigger person and apologizing first. But what if i can't do that again this time? Am i going to lose a friend just because of their stubborness? What am i supposed to do? They say i need to change and that is it my fault. Why can't it ever be their fault? Why can't i for once be the one who gets the easier load because it's what i deserve? I realize i get really moody during these times of month, but i mean really. If you've known someone for like 2 years or more, shouldn't you be used to this? And why suddenly the past few months this sudden need for attention shows and the over-reacting about everything i say or do. I mean really, i can't even step back like 5 inches without being accused of moving away because i don't like them. What am i supposed to do? Am i being rude with not wanting to say sorry this time cause i feel like it's not my fault? Am i being a biotch because i'm tired of playing this game and i'm tired of this 'drama'? If the same pattern or them over-reacting to something small and dumb you do or say, and then they try acting like it didn't happen or don't say sorry and think it's all your fault, would you do keep going with the pattern? Or would you change it.
I realize there is the option of not being there friend, but have you ever been someone's friend that you want them in your life, but they just seem to really bug you? Is that weird? I kind of feel it is.
I don't know. I feel like i'm staring at an open space trying to reach for something that isn't there and that i'm drowning. I hate this feeling, and you know what. i'm going to crush it, but i'm not going to say sorry. I don't think that i need to deal with this. Maybe that is mean, but i think the other side of this is even meaner. But that's just me i guess i don't know what else to say to it.
Ye-up.. i'm done.
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