Sometimes i really wonder who my true friends are.. I just can't stand it.. My mom says that i expect too much out of my friends and maybe that's true, but when i think about it, if i expected any less of them, they wouldn't be a 'friend' anymore.. What can i say? I have expectations, but so does everyone else. Mine aren't very high, maybe i'm just too annoying for people to stand. But i'm not sure. Sure I can be annoying, sure i can be stupid, sure i can be a little slow, but does that make it right for people to hate me? Yeah i don't try that hard to impress people, cause seriously.. why bother, but that seriously can't be it. I've always had such a hard time making friends. i can't make good or close friends at all, not even one. What's up with that? Do i smell? Do i offend? Is it cause i don't like talking about stupid make up and i'd much rather talk about the world and it's issues and beauty? Sigh.. I'm kind of just sulking right now.. this is gonna be a stupid stupid entry lol..
I can't help but wonder if i'm depressed. I get sad quite a lot and sometimes it's so high at a point that i can't stand it or anything.. Even if i was, what could i do? I'm not that strong, i try to act like it, but i'm not. I can be strong for others and help them along, but is someone gonna be strong for me? Can i be strong for myself? It feels like there is a heavy weight on a huge hole inside of me and the weight won't crush the hole so it's hard to breathe. It gives me a headache, and makes me sick occasionally. Blah....
I'm not that depressed i guess cause i'm not sad constantly, but the thought of no friends really depresses me sometimes. I constantly want to cry.. why? I'm constantly hungry, or want to move, why?
Thank Goodness there is music in the world.. I love the Rocket Summer for helping me not be depressed. It seems a bit silly to have a band/artist keep me from being so sad, but it really works for me. Maybe that's why i listen to him constantly eh?
Sigh.. Sigh.. Another sigh.. Bigger sigh..
I'm just depressed, why can't i make friends, not excited for high school it will suck cause i've got no friendsssss, my family idk.. gah.. :(
That's about all i want to type..
Friday, August 15, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Something In The Way She Moves
Sometimes i really wish we could read other people's minds. I wouldn't want to read someone's mind though, that's invading privacy, but i wish this guy could just know what i'm thinking so i don't have to say it out loud (not that i do) and so i can just get over him!
Alright. I am over him but it just bugs me so bad sometimes that he doesn't take me seriously and thinks everything i say is a joke. Sigh.. Right now I'm talking to him actually. It makes me wonder though when we do talk about who he's kissed and how his life is going, why did he kiss me? Of all people he kissed me. I think he just wanted action or something because i am just feeling it is. But I mean seriously.. Why? To be perfectly honest with you, i don't have that great of a personality, i'm not done up like other girls and i just.. have a hard time with things sometimes.
See, he'll never read this so i can say all i want lol. And if he ever does, you made you ruin myself thanks so much (not). Or maybe i wasn't ruined. Maybe i was born? Maybe i was fixed? Who would ever know but myself though right. But i can't even tell for myself so it's useless to even think about it. I am still unsure about everything as ever, i still don't like how my legs look (lol), i'm still stubborn and rude at times, but have i changed? I cannot tell if i have and i couldn't tell you either. I feel as if i have, but in what way? I can kiss better (lolol), i laugh more (if that is possible), and i get better grades than i have before. But what about the things that matter most to me? Am I a better sister, daughter, or even friend? I would hate to be any of those things and be a total jerk. I hate jerks, so why be one.
If i am so much better, if i am so much nicer, if i am so much more relaxed, why does it feel like i'm sinking into a hole so far that i won't be able to climb back out? "They just dig dig dig until they can't get out" good song (Treasures by The Rocket Summer) The lyrics are amazing. People keep digging for treasure, but he stops and knows that his treasure is heaven. How did he get to be like that? Such understanding of what he believes and of himself, i am truly jealous. When did he stop sinking into that black and dark hole? How can i do that? When is it gonna 'hit' me?
Sometimes i feel really old and other times i feel really young. When i feel old i tend to be more.. thoughtful about things? And of course when i'm feeling more young, i'm happier. But how can i retain that happiness? I try and try and nothing ever works. it's like i'm pushing my happy bar more forward and i stay at that for a little bit then fall back and it takes more time and effort to get back to where i barely pushed that bar so each time i push it, it gets farther and harder to reach when i fall back.. If that made sense.
My mind wanders a lot that's probably why i can never make sense of what i'm saying and people don't understand me. I change my mood so often that it seems i'm bipolar, but i'm really not. Why do i do this? Hormones possibly? I've never heard about anything like that, but maybe it is. Maybe i'm just insane. Or maybe this is my obstacle and my lesson to be learned? Who is to know? Only God i guess.
While onto that subject, i had a thought as i was going to the bathroom earlier (yes, the bathroom). What would God do if i had sworn and known what i did but for good reason? What if he was a little bit more human, would he let us be more.. flexible with what we do (as mormons)? What if he was here with us, doing what we do. And i mean God, not Jesus. I love Jesus, he died for us, went through what we did and withstood everything and he still made it through. I still love God, but the what-if's come up constantly. What if i had sex? What if i didn't get married? What if i didn't have kids? I mean seriously, i don't want kids. But we're supposed to reproduce it says, but why can't i just adopt? Because i didn't have kids does that mean i'm not going to the highest kingdom? Just imagining what Jesus went though makes me even more grateful for him. He's like my older brother, but i haven't met him yet. Well, i guess i have but i just don't remember, but i wish i did. He's like the all time hero, i wish they would have superheroes be like that in our world's movies and shows. I can't deny that i love the action and fakeness of it all either (of superheroes we make up) but what i love even more is that they are weak too. It makes me really think about myself when someone has a weakness and i hear about it. What would I do if i was a homeless person? What if i was an orphan? What would i do if i was living on the streets or didn't have the church in my life? What would i do? I can't even imagine myself without Jesus as an example in my life or God, but i can't help but have those 'what-ifs' pop up. I guess it's normal for everyone, but it still makes me think.
Also, another thing that's been on my mind lately. I really hate child abuse. Every time i go to work i see at least 50 parents that i serve food to yell at their kids and when i look at their kids faces it's of pure fright. It scares me to think that people are out there hitting their kids. Their kids have nothing to do with what goes on in their life that happens. I wish people would just see that things happen for a reason and it bugs me that they take it out on their kids. Imagining a child being abused by an angry father just pisses me off. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, even mental! It's all there and i can't believe it. You can just tell when someone has been abused whether it's been by their spouse, sibling, friend, parents or anyone and what i can't believe is how STUPID people are. They just continue to do it! It's so unbelievably sad. I can understand anger, but uncontrollable anger like that? That's just so wrong. No one deserves to be hit like that or in any way. Children especially though, they have no idea what they are doing. Parents are there to TEACH, not abuse! If you didn't want kids in the first place don't have them! But instead people still have them out of accident cause they can't control their disgusting selves and have the things and abuse them! It's just so sad and pathetic at the same time. Sigh, i'm not making sense again but this is what this blog is for, my blabbing on about things that will probably never change and my hate and gratitude lol.
Anyway, that's just me and my thoughts for the moment at.. 1am lol. Good night everyone and whoever reads this..
Mia
Alright. I am over him but it just bugs me so bad sometimes that he doesn't take me seriously and thinks everything i say is a joke. Sigh.. Right now I'm talking to him actually. It makes me wonder though when we do talk about who he's kissed and how his life is going, why did he kiss me? Of all people he kissed me. I think he just wanted action or something because i am just feeling it is. But I mean seriously.. Why? To be perfectly honest with you, i don't have that great of a personality, i'm not done up like other girls and i just.. have a hard time with things sometimes.
See, he'll never read this so i can say all i want lol. And if he ever does, you made you ruin myself thanks so much (not). Or maybe i wasn't ruined. Maybe i was born? Maybe i was fixed? Who would ever know but myself though right. But i can't even tell for myself so it's useless to even think about it. I am still unsure about everything as ever, i still don't like how my legs look (lol), i'm still stubborn and rude at times, but have i changed? I cannot tell if i have and i couldn't tell you either. I feel as if i have, but in what way? I can kiss better (lolol), i laugh more (if that is possible), and i get better grades than i have before. But what about the things that matter most to me? Am I a better sister, daughter, or even friend? I would hate to be any of those things and be a total jerk. I hate jerks, so why be one.
If i am so much better, if i am so much nicer, if i am so much more relaxed, why does it feel like i'm sinking into a hole so far that i won't be able to climb back out? "They just dig dig dig until they can't get out" good song (Treasures by The Rocket Summer) The lyrics are amazing. People keep digging for treasure, but he stops and knows that his treasure is heaven. How did he get to be like that? Such understanding of what he believes and of himself, i am truly jealous. When did he stop sinking into that black and dark hole? How can i do that? When is it gonna 'hit' me?
Sometimes i feel really old and other times i feel really young. When i feel old i tend to be more.. thoughtful about things? And of course when i'm feeling more young, i'm happier. But how can i retain that happiness? I try and try and nothing ever works. it's like i'm pushing my happy bar more forward and i stay at that for a little bit then fall back and it takes more time and effort to get back to where i barely pushed that bar so each time i push it, it gets farther and harder to reach when i fall back.. If that made sense.
My mind wanders a lot that's probably why i can never make sense of what i'm saying and people don't understand me. I change my mood so often that it seems i'm bipolar, but i'm really not. Why do i do this? Hormones possibly? I've never heard about anything like that, but maybe it is. Maybe i'm just insane. Or maybe this is my obstacle and my lesson to be learned? Who is to know? Only God i guess.
While onto that subject, i had a thought as i was going to the bathroom earlier (yes, the bathroom). What would God do if i had sworn and known what i did but for good reason? What if he was a little bit more human, would he let us be more.. flexible with what we do (as mormons)? What if he was here with us, doing what we do. And i mean God, not Jesus. I love Jesus, he died for us, went through what we did and withstood everything and he still made it through. I still love God, but the what-if's come up constantly. What if i had sex? What if i didn't get married? What if i didn't have kids? I mean seriously, i don't want kids. But we're supposed to reproduce it says, but why can't i just adopt? Because i didn't have kids does that mean i'm not going to the highest kingdom? Just imagining what Jesus went though makes me even more grateful for him. He's like my older brother, but i haven't met him yet. Well, i guess i have but i just don't remember, but i wish i did. He's like the all time hero, i wish they would have superheroes be like that in our world's movies and shows. I can't deny that i love the action and fakeness of it all either (of superheroes we make up) but what i love even more is that they are weak too. It makes me really think about myself when someone has a weakness and i hear about it. What would I do if i was a homeless person? What if i was an orphan? What would i do if i was living on the streets or didn't have the church in my life? What would i do? I can't even imagine myself without Jesus as an example in my life or God, but i can't help but have those 'what-ifs' pop up. I guess it's normal for everyone, but it still makes me think.
Also, another thing that's been on my mind lately. I really hate child abuse. Every time i go to work i see at least 50 parents that i serve food to yell at their kids and when i look at their kids faces it's of pure fright. It scares me to think that people are out there hitting their kids. Their kids have nothing to do with what goes on in their life that happens. I wish people would just see that things happen for a reason and it bugs me that they take it out on their kids. Imagining a child being abused by an angry father just pisses me off. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, even mental! It's all there and i can't believe it. You can just tell when someone has been abused whether it's been by their spouse, sibling, friend, parents or anyone and what i can't believe is how STUPID people are. They just continue to do it! It's so unbelievably sad. I can understand anger, but uncontrollable anger like that? That's just so wrong. No one deserves to be hit like that or in any way. Children especially though, they have no idea what they are doing. Parents are there to TEACH, not abuse! If you didn't want kids in the first place don't have them! But instead people still have them out of accident cause they can't control their disgusting selves and have the things and abuse them! It's just so sad and pathetic at the same time. Sigh, i'm not making sense again but this is what this blog is for, my blabbing on about things that will probably never change and my hate and gratitude lol.
Anyway, that's just me and my thoughts for the moment at.. 1am lol. Good night everyone and whoever reads this..
Mia
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Useless But At The Same Time We're Still Young
Wow.. I never get on here ha ha. I've been surprised with myself lately. I haven't gotten on the computer a lot, which is GREAT! Ha ha!
School is starting soon and can i just tell you that i am NOT excited in certain ways. One of them being that i am growing up! I don't wanna grow up! It seems like just yesterday i rode my first rollercoaster (which was years ago), or my dad was here being a dork-wad in the car or other unimportant things. It feels like time is going by way too fast and i have no time to enjoy being a teenger! Is that wrong?! I'm feelin it is!
I'm also not excited cause of homework. BLAH I hate homework so much. But hey who doesn't ha ha. Another reason i can give you is that i HATE annoying people and i really don't want to meet any more but i will so that's not something to look forward to. Sigh.. When will people realize they just need to shut up? (ha ha)
Anyways. So pretty much, this guy who i thought was my used to be best friend is now my good friend again. Which is good, but i have a hard time seeing things differently from before. He said sorry to me and i don't know i guess it's better now but it still feels weird being around him or talking to him.
Sigh it's just so sad that people have such a hard time getting over things, including myself. It's just one of those depressing things in life, but i can't help but wonder that if we really tried hard enough (hard enough to pass the point of physical pain from it possibly) that we COULD do it. We see people everyday and hear them and listen to them talk about how EASY is it to get over things, yet they never tell us the pain and how much self motivation it really takes to do it. They say it's easier said than done and that's obvious but never details. I wish they could give us details sometimes so it wouldn't be so hard and we'd know what to do in each situation, but if it was the same for everyone life would be so beyond black and white.
His story of why he did what he did and does what he does is just unspeakably sad. I can't believe it. I cried over someone else's love story. How pathetic ha ha. But in all seriousness, why did she do what she did? Why do people do that? Why do they bring someone up and tear them down like it was as easy as ripping a piece of paper? It's just so heart breaking to think about it. Yeah i know, "don't think about it then" right? Ha well if you know me you'd know i have a really hard time 'not thinking' about things i can't figure out. Maybe that's why i see different sides to everything no matter how stupid or sad. But i can't even see it in her perspective. At all. I can't even IMAGINE what she could've been thinking when she tore him down like that! It bugs me SO bad! She showed interest, she flirted like she really liked him and even in a way explained why she liked him. But out of no where she just doesn't like him anymore because she doesn't like how he dates? How he does things? How he is? Because she doesn't want a serious relationship? How is that? Why is such a person who claims to be an open person do that? And then go be a hypocrite and find someone else to be serious with? I don't understand that at all. Maybe i never will. I guess i can see it sometimes if i imagined myself doing that, but reading what he wrote just makes what i 'thought' completely fall out of place.
Bah i'm just blabbing on again and i'll just stop right about now but the fact is: Life sucks, don't sit and ignore, COPE.
Love, Mia
School is starting soon and can i just tell you that i am NOT excited in certain ways. One of them being that i am growing up! I don't wanna grow up! It seems like just yesterday i rode my first rollercoaster (which was years ago), or my dad was here being a dork-wad in the car or other unimportant things. It feels like time is going by way too fast and i have no time to enjoy being a teenger! Is that wrong?! I'm feelin it is!
I'm also not excited cause of homework. BLAH I hate homework so much. But hey who doesn't ha ha. Another reason i can give you is that i HATE annoying people and i really don't want to meet any more but i will so that's not something to look forward to. Sigh.. When will people realize they just need to shut up? (ha ha)
Anyways. So pretty much, this guy who i thought was my used to be best friend is now my good friend again. Which is good, but i have a hard time seeing things differently from before. He said sorry to me and i don't know i guess it's better now but it still feels weird being around him or talking to him.
Sigh it's just so sad that people have such a hard time getting over things, including myself. It's just one of those depressing things in life, but i can't help but wonder that if we really tried hard enough (hard enough to pass the point of physical pain from it possibly) that we COULD do it. We see people everyday and hear them and listen to them talk about how EASY is it to get over things, yet they never tell us the pain and how much self motivation it really takes to do it. They say it's easier said than done and that's obvious but never details. I wish they could give us details sometimes so it wouldn't be so hard and we'd know what to do in each situation, but if it was the same for everyone life would be so beyond black and white.
His story of why he did what he did and does what he does is just unspeakably sad. I can't believe it. I cried over someone else's love story. How pathetic ha ha. But in all seriousness, why did she do what she did? Why do people do that? Why do they bring someone up and tear them down like it was as easy as ripping a piece of paper? It's just so heart breaking to think about it. Yeah i know, "don't think about it then" right? Ha well if you know me you'd know i have a really hard time 'not thinking' about things i can't figure out. Maybe that's why i see different sides to everything no matter how stupid or sad. But i can't even see it in her perspective. At all. I can't even IMAGINE what she could've been thinking when she tore him down like that! It bugs me SO bad! She showed interest, she flirted like she really liked him and even in a way explained why she liked him. But out of no where she just doesn't like him anymore because she doesn't like how he dates? How he does things? How he is? Because she doesn't want a serious relationship? How is that? Why is such a person who claims to be an open person do that? And then go be a hypocrite and find someone else to be serious with? I don't understand that at all. Maybe i never will. I guess i can see it sometimes if i imagined myself doing that, but reading what he wrote just makes what i 'thought' completely fall out of place.
Bah i'm just blabbing on again and i'll just stop right about now but the fact is: Life sucks, don't sit and ignore, COPE.
Love, Mia
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