Just A Day, An Ordinary Day

Wow what a week ha ha. I really don't even know what to say or how to respond to it.

So basically feelings from the past came up and had to be dealt with again on Wednesday. I really don't like dealing with the same thing twice, but it happened and my response? Anger. I know, i shouldn't be getting angry but wouldn't you if the person you fell in love with basically rose you up, tore you down, ignored you, became your friend again, and then all of the sudden started up the old feelings of rising you up again? I would, and did.

I realized as everything was happening, that maybe i wanted it. That sounds bad, but i did in all my selfishness i have in my human body and i enjoyed it for the blindness of the moment that filled me. I guess after not feeling that feeling for so long, i got selfish and took advantage of the moment. Of course i was really mad at myself after and the next day.. but i was also really happy. It like filled me with hope, even though it should be making me even more mad. In all honesty, i probably could marry that person if they weren't doing certain things in their life right now. I am not in love anymore, but i love them. If that makes sense.

But too bad nothing works out for me. They like someone else and to add to the issues, i like someone else. But i can't help but wonder if they did like me still, would they change what they are doing now and have enough control and patience for a real relationship insteaad of this 'benefits' thing? I don't know, i kind of doubt it.. a lot.. ha ha but i guess dreams can always just stay dreams too.

I feel kind of saved though. I've been over this whole 'break-up' thing for almost a year and a half now, but i always had this quiet feeling in the back of my mind making me wonder what would happen if he ever kissed me again or something like that and if i was really and truly over him. Obviously, my question was answered Wednesday/Thursday. I guess i really am okay, i didn't feel the 'sparks' i did from before and i didn't have the great overwhelming feeling of wanting to be with them, only for that moment. The next day i realized the truths about this unhealthy relationship i have with this person.

One; they aren't mature enough to stick to a real relationship, but who said i was? Two; it's probably illegal for me to even talk to him. Three; He wouldn't be willing enough to change for a good relationship. All in all i think he just wants someone there, but not be there with them. If that makes sense. I mean, it's always nice to have someone yeah, but he just happens to take that to the next step. (Don't do that. ha ha )

Well, those are my thoughts summarized. Latah :)