Am I Supposed To Do This?

Lately i've been a jerk i guess. Am i supposed to be like this? I don't get what i'm doing, and maybe it is just me, or maybe it's them. How can anyone ever know?

I hate it when i fight with people or am in an argument with people because i can never stay angry or i can never justify myself or i get in arguments with people who refuse to say sorry first so it's usually me. What if this time i don't want to say sorry first? Will i lose a friend for being stubborn? What is better; having them say sorry and finally change, or saying sorry first and having them never change and go through the same process in probably 5 or 6 days. I can't decide. I really hate it when these things happen, i feel like i'm suffocating.

All week i've felt like i can't breathe and i've gone back under the water when i thought i was above it. Why? I have been happy for the past few months and why all of the sudden i'm like this. I've been on my period before, and it didn't bring me down this bad. What's different this time. Maybe the fact i put myself around people i haven't been comfortable around for over a year, or maybe i have started to realize i probably won't be able to keep the one friend i wanted to keep that i just became friends with a couple weeks ago.

Every day this week i have felt like i've been walking through a fog and like i'm not moving or anything. I would laugh, i would crack jokes, do what i normally do, but i have been spacing out more and thinking to myself more like i did a lot last year. I don't ever want to go back to that stage, but maybe i am.

Blah, this whole fight thing with my friend is really making me mad. I don't know what to do. They haven't and won't change for whatever reason and continue to act like a 2 year old, while i am always being the bigger person and apologizing first. But what if i can't do that again this time? Am i going to lose a friend just because of their stubborness? What am i supposed to do? They say i need to change and that is it my fault. Why can't it ever be their fault? Why can't i for once be the one who gets the easier load because it's what i deserve? I realize i get really moody during these times of month, but i mean really. If you've known someone for like 2 years or more, shouldn't you be used to this? And why suddenly the past few months this sudden need for attention shows and the over-reacting about everything i say or do. I mean really, i can't even step back like 5 inches without being accused of moving away because i don't like them. What am i supposed to do? Am i being rude with not wanting to say sorry this time cause i feel like it's not my fault? Am i being a biotch because i'm tired of playing this game and i'm tired of this 'drama'? If the same pattern or them over-reacting to something small and dumb you do or say, and then they try acting like it didn't happen or don't say sorry and think it's all your fault, would you do keep going with the pattern? Or would you change it.

I realize there is the option of not being there friend, but have you ever been someone's friend that you want them in your life, but they just seem to really bug you? Is that weird? I kind of feel it is.

I don't know. I feel like i'm staring at an open space trying to reach for something that isn't there and that i'm drowning. I hate this feeling, and you know what. i'm going to crush it, but i'm not going to say sorry. I don't think that i need to deal with this. Maybe that is mean, but i think the other side of this is even meaner. But that's just me i guess i don't know what else to say to it.

Ye-up.. i'm done.